4/4

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. When my friends first heard about having blog posts as homework for sophomore and junior year, they groaned and complained. I was low key excited because I’ve been keeping a personal journal (moleskines, they’re great) for a while now, and it’s basically the same thing right? Well, it’s currently spring break and honestly, I need something to do. Every single year, I always can’t wait to get out of school for break, but complain about how bored I am while on break.

Anyway, it’s reflection time. And also it’s my senior year. My fourth and final year of high school. I made it, right?  It’s crazy how fast time flies right? Just kidding. These have been the longest four years of my life. I wish I listened when alumni told me to make the most out of high school. As of right now, I’m so ready to graduate and get out of this hellhole. Don’t even get me started on talking about my future…

Actually, let’s talk about that. The month of March only meant one thing to me. College acceptances or rejections. Let me tell you, it’s a really depressing month, for me at least. I couldn’t even get into one college I dreamt of attending. Sometimes, I wonder why I even tried so hard in high school or why I decided to commit to an extracurricular… what went wrong? I can’t help but compare my stats to my friends who received acceptances from UCLA, UCSD, etc. And then it clicks. I think for these past four years, I’ve just been given the image that I was “smart”. Maybe I am, but I know for sure that I’m extremely lazy. And honestly, my high school performance wasn’t the very best I could’ve done. I congratulate my friends for exceeding their parents’ expectations, going above and beyond, being extremely well-rounded people… something I could never be. It kills me to hear “you’re so smart, why didn’t you get into so and so?” Honestly, maybe it was my choice to nap for an extra three hours that night you were cramming and burning yourself out. Does that mean they’re going to do better in the long run? Who knows. Not reading “Congratulations!” at the beginning of a letter doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world?… One thing I got out of this is that college admissions are completely unpredictable.

Maybe it’s senioritis and the fact that I’ve already been rejected, so what’s the point? Wasn’t that the purpose of high school? Preparing us for college? I’ve stopped completing assignments in AP Literature (literally the definition of hellhole) and AP Economics simply because I decided it wasn’t worth my time. The reading schedules are a pain. After rehearsal, I would go home, jump in bed, and listen to music, while reading leisurely or you know, the classic watch Netflix and eat cereal option.

I don’t know if this college outcome is going to force me to take a cheaper alternative or if I’d rather take loans out and move out. Staying in this house drains all the energy out of me though. I still have so many decisions to make. Do I want to be a math major, business major, bioengineering major? I want to leave high school, yet I don’t want to do adult things. Speaking of doing adult things, I also have been procrastinating on getting my driver’s license… and getting a job. Before my junior year, I wasn’t that big on spending, but I’ve started eating out more and senior expenses are ridiculous. $368 for AP Exams and $110 for Senior Grad Night?! I also decided to march my second year at Pacific Crest, another $3000… After keeping track of everything I pay for and what my parents provide, it’s ridiculous.

Also, to top that, I recently lost a friend. As in we decided not to be friends anymore, I guess. Being the person that I am, I didn’t think it was in my best interest anymore to keep someone in my life who didn’t like the person I was. For superficial reasons and trivial matters, too. I mean, it’s not like she was my only friend outside of band. I was scared she wouldn’t like how she was always more invested into conversations than I was. After she confronted me after ignoring me for a couple days, I cried that night for hours.

My mind was in a bunch of different places. I grew up as being this socially awkward introvert. I could never hold a conversation with someone unless it was something I was passionate about. I’m uncomfortable when I’m in big groups and when I’m with a small group of one or two people. I always feel obligated to talk when I’m scared about saying something wrong (especially in my literature class). In public settings, my ex would always ridicule my social skills, especially when I would say something silly and cause an inconvenience for the waiter. Little did he know, it only worsened my self-esteem. I know they say that we should never try to please anyone, but I just felt like I was never good enough for anyone. Hence, why I couldn’t make many friends. I’ve never felt like I belonged or found a place anywhere, even after joining band. I guess music is my best friend.

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High school has been full of regrets and terrible decisions. During my first year on tour with Pacific Crest, I ended a 2 year relationship and I hooked up with a friend while he was in a relationship or what others call “fling.” Talk about bad decisions right? I continued to do things I didn’t condone. I refused. I felt like I was being emotionally and sexually abused. I should’ve expected his behavior, as it was nothing new to me. Even after he separated from his girlfriend, he continued to pursue a “friends with benefits” relationship with me, while I wanted something else as my developing feelings increased. But who wouldn’t have guessed… he already moved on a couple weeks later. And to this day, I still feel guilt for his partner he broke it off with. I’m literally the most terrible-st person ever. He’s made me feel and be at my lowest point in life.

Surprisingly enough, as I reach the end of my high school career, I have worried and cared a lot less (leading to less stress and a clearer face!) but let’s just say my high school experience wasn’t too great. Daily motions felt incredibly mundane. The amount of people I’ve met that I can call a friend can be counted on one hand. When I’m not at school learning or rehearsing, I’m at home sleeping. Not that I’m complaining or anything, but lacking a social life kind of sucks. If I’m not messing something up in one area of my life, it’s in another.

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