I tend to write a lot about how tired and how much time I don’t have and the time I wish I had. To be quite honest, people are probably sick and tired of me complaining about anything and everything. I am too. I’ve been cutting down on meals and sleep with the amount of time I’ve had and with everything that’s on my plate these past couple weeks. I really just need a place to vent, but don’t want to bother anyone anymore either. No one really asked if I’m okay, so I guess it’s the part of life where I’m supposed to pick myself up. Some days, I feel like all the energy is just sucked out of me. I just want to talk to someone without bothering them, but I could never find the courage or motivation to. I still feel like I’m shrinking, but I know things won’t suck this much forever. Well, I guess I’ll just leave things here.
This week and next week, yep. It is AP week. I know it’s not just me taking AP classes and I’m not even taking that many for that matter. There is so much pressure to get a 5 for every exam I paid for. What my AP teachers have been calling these past couple weeks are “the final push.” However, this final push is when I started to become lazier than I ever was. I’ve fallen behind on a few simple assignments, that could’ve kept my grade up, but ended up dropping it an entire letter grade. Even though some of my teachers offered late assignments for half credit, I still haven’t found the motivation to complete them. Because I have to play catch up, I haven’t really found the time to study for AP tests. But aside from all that, teaching piano has been kind of a nightmare. No matter how patient I am or strict I am with the kids, I still feel like pulling my hair out after that hour of lesson. I think I must find a new job soon, but this will have to do for now because I really don’t have time to do that.
Also, since senior year is starting soon, I’ve been filling the new role as a front ensemble section leader. And to be honest, I’m completely clueless. I don’t know what I’m doing and have no guidance whatsoever. When I try to give constructive criticism to other members, I’m afraid of them becoming disappointed or offended at the comments. I should know that that’s reality and I’m doing it for their own good. Well, anyway I still regret not applying for a coronet award for World Languages. I’m still worried about getting into college, and choosing which one I want to attend and what I want to study. I just really want to remove all the pressure of attending the college of my mother’s dreams. I still really want to volunteer somewhere before graduating, possibly Aquarium of the Pacific or the library or my local hospital. I still need to take the ACT and subject tests. And of course, get my permit, so I can start learning how to drive. My tour with Pacific Crest Drum and Bugle Corps also starts in about less than a month too. And I’m really excited. The camps every weekend have been a blast (other than having to catch up on homework). That’s probably the only thing that has been kept me going so far.
All this stress piling up is probably just a testament to what I am capable of, what my limits are, and when my breaking point is. Maybe I’m just stressing out because I care too much about my grades and whatnot? I don’t know. There have been nights where I am so frustrated at myself, that there is this tightness in my chest, that I will just cry myself to sleep. I just really hope it doesn’t get worse than this, that I don’t disappoint anymore people, and that I just live in the present, rather than worrying about what the future holds. Thanks for reading and being the one that listens.